Dreams On Fire

I have lost my trust and hope in myself ?!
Have I ?

What should I do now ?
Should continue this ?
Something I never wished I did ?
Something that was for the good of my guardian who raised me up ?
My heart ache but I only had a poker face outside. I laughed when I saw my score! Hahaha! Wow....
Can't you believe it ? I laughed.
Now I have to answer my own question.
It really is something challenging.
Something I wish none would have to face this problem.

Well, the fact, everyone have to face it whether they like it or not. Because, it's life.
Truth to be told, I never chose this right?
What should I do ?
Confused, torture in my head, painful, sad...all the negative is in me right now.

Dad has started his usual mode: nagging. But all I did is just smile and gave a low laugh just to show him that ' i don't care' expression.
Deep in my heart, it really does hurt. Why am I being like this!
Why can't I just tell him the truth?
Because,I'm all writing but not good in talking it out.
If you want me to say something, I can express in in writing but in words...i get mixed up scared I wouldn't bring it out well.

So, here I am sitting in front of the screen staring at my AS results,on FB (continously waiting some miracle to happen at one page) and also typing it out, since I can't keep it to my self anymore.

Life.....life....life...

Thinking about the people who had gone through a lot of this like me and had become a successful person in life and idolized, it only makes me to become an even stronger person.

I always think about, how it is to be like one of them?

I have never been like this before...all I show is happiness but do you know, happy people could have a different side of them too?
All I want to do is be different.
It's nothing wrong to be different right? It only makes you to be a different people and an outstanding one and I want to be like that.

Why?
I have been influenced too much of my dreams.
And now, it's on fire.

Still, sometimes, it washes away when I think of another future I might hold.
A future which my guardians wants me to have.
Would I still be happy? contented with what I will have? blissful?
Aish, what am I talking?

They say hardwork will pay but it only takes the money away.
I have given my best to get my dream and also my parents dream.

In another few more months I finally had to jump in either one of this two things. It's like I'm standing in the middle of a wired gate where the other side, what I want and all I want,even it brings hardship to me,i know i will be contented, because I chose it and I won't give up even if I'm tired.
Another side, my parents wants me to be. Happy easy, normal life,with a simple job and family to take care.

Which one I still have my heart to?
Of course, one's strongest ones.

Sometimes I wish I could just walk straight in front of my both guardian, and talk to them out all my feelings and doubt
But I dont have the courage.
"Dad, why? why? why can't I take the road I want? Why do I have to always listen to yours? Why can't I be different from all those typical people in the world? I want to go out? Be out of the box. I want to explore new things, do something different from all the people who do the same and never wants adventure. I want what I want. I chose this and I know what I'm doing. I know I would never, never regret."

And I would always think my dad's answer will be," ARE YOU STUPID? CRAZY? BODOH? You never listen to me do you?"

That's when I give up sometimes, just sometimes.

Whenever I go to bed. I think of something I always had in my heart.
My happy future? How will it turn out?
Am I that lucky enough?

I'm still having my fingers crossed, even though a thunder had striked me today, I still have another result to wait by the end of feb or march.
Maybe, I could get lucky?
Could I?
Maybe I can get back my courage when I get my result.
I will. I already.
Think positive.
Think positive.
It's never the end of the world yet.
I am lucky!
I already have been chosen because I have confidence in myself.
I am already a trainee!
I am currently raining to dance, sing, on diet, thinking of being in a funny variety show.
Having new mates.
Think positive!
Sigh..

Gotto go.
Lunch time. I dont dare to face my dad.