In & Between.

It was a beautiful sunny day in Ireland. I wished my parents were here visiting me for their vacation this moment. Though the sun is bright, the warmth is temperamental that there's a slight humidity giving a fresh air smell. I just love days like this.

Walking down the street locking my rented room, I can see the busy street of the city. Cars and buses. Pubs, musics, retail stores, and the people. I smiled. Its gonna be a great day!

"Lexis!" I heard Troy's voice from the walkway pavement. He was driving his car. He slowed down and made a hand movement of asking me to hope on.

That's my buddy. My best friend. Troy Barrons.

"Mornin! Stop by Anne's. I need my coffee," I told him as I settled down on the passengers seat next to him.

"Alright," He drove me to the coffee shop.

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Class was boring today because it was not Mrs. Jain teaching my favourite philosophy class, it was her replacement. And i'm wasting my 2 hours dosing off.

I took out my phone and texted Troy. 'I wanna have Subway. You?'

And the reply came immediately. That guy. Does he even concentrate in his classes? But a smile creeps on my face.

'On! See ya there XOXO'

Hitting the home button, I was back to dosing till the end of my two hours.

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"Hahahahahaha" Laughter erupted among our group of friends.

Troy and I ended sitting among our general cliques of friends when we saw them at Subways too.

"Troy, man up!" Celina was teasing him.

Troy was drooling over a way muscle-y athletic guy who passed by us to the counter.

"What, shuddap Celina," Then he went back to looking at him.

I rolled my eyes, nudged him to get his attention and raised one of my eyebrow.

Our silent eye conversation goes, "What happened to courting Cassian?"

His was, "He's avoiding me," and I went, "Ah?" Troy just shrugged and went back to eating.

I will have to talk to him privately then. Troy's not open with his sexual orientation that much but I know he's been trying to get Cassian his attention who is also another one of his type. A homosexual.

Troy confessed to me he likes a guy from his department weeks ago and I was so surprised that he was finally hitting home run to chase after someone openly.

After our lunch break, the guys receded leaving me and Troy walking back to campus.

"Anything you not telling me?" I chimed.

He must have expected me asking him that because he sighed.

"No idea Lex. He rarely comes for classes too. I contacted him but it went up to voice mails and I'm worried about him. He told me his dad was against him, Lex,"

Cassian was giving signs of accepting Troy because they've been out many times and Troy always comes back texting me about his date. He's thrilled to be courting someone for the first time and he rambles about it.

Now I'm worried too.

"Its alright. Maybe give him some time to come out of it. He can't avoid classes for long Troy. He will be back," I linked his arm with mine and strode up pulling him out of his gloominess. Something about that gloomy face makes me feels weird. Not liking it.

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Bad dream. Breathing hard and shallowly I woke up. Bad dream. Just bad dream I told myself.

I slide my phone up and saw missed calls. WAIT. WHAT TIME IS IT?! OH SHIT. I'M LATE FOR THE PARTY. SHIT.

I called back to the missed call and started scrambling to my feet to get ready. "TROY! I OVERSLEPT!"

"Get your damn ass here as soon as you can then," I heard music in the background of his phone.

"Got it, see ya,"

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"Hey Alexis, thank you for coming darling, come on in," Troy's mum was already greeting me from her door. I hugged and kissed her cheeks. Bringing a red wine bottle I got for their anniversary.

"Oh dear, you dont have to do that," She frown, concern on the money I spent on them. They have always been really nice. Almost always reminds me of my parents over the sea.

"Hey babe," Troy came walking up behind his mum and hugging me then all the sudden he stilled.

I looked up from his chest to see his face. Questioning with my eyes.

He was looking straight ahead outside the door. Turning, I saw Cassian standing at the pavement, looking nervous. I heard Troy whisper, "He came," and saw the light in his eyes brightening.

"Go," I pushed him towards the door. Happy to see them finally getting together. Relieved somehow.

Standing at the door sill. I look at Troy pacing towards Cassian. They both look a little awkward standing looking at each other but Cassian made his move.

He close the gap between Troy and him. Troy's body was flexing at the distance. Cassian moved his his hand to Troy's cheeks. "I'm sorry Troy. I took a long time."

I could feel the relief passing by Troy and it went through me too. I smiled and went back inside to give them their privacy.

Later on Troy brought Cassian in and he introduced Cassian to his parents. I stood waiting.

"This is Alexis, my best friend and Lex, this is Cassian," He beamed, Cassian seems to be shying.

"Man up Cassian, you will get a lot of bullying around," I was really happy for them. "Champagne for the new couple?" I teased and Troy hit me on my head. I burst out laughing and dragging them to the serving table.

Soon after that day, little did I know things were taking its avalanche of emotions.

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Trampolines was placed in the middle of the backyard and people were occupying it. Soon, I was joining Troy and his brothers. He pulled me in while still jumping and I whooped. Cassian was standing and watching us smiling. More like smiling at Troy.

Then I looked at Troy. Things took it turn. A stupid thought of kissing those lips came to me. Horrified with myself I tried to banish it but it came back. This time, touching his birthmark on his cheeks. Then kissing his closed eyes. Then hugging him with my head on the gap of his should and neck. Horrified and panic flushed over me. My knees buckled and  I fell.

"Lex, you okay?" Troy was still jumping and came closer holding his hand out.

"I'm fine. I think I'm getting jumping sickness," Lied. I quickly exit the trampoline and walked back into the house needing water.

What the heck is wrong with you Alexis? He's your friend and he has a boyfriend! Burn your brain! No. No. I'm just getting paranoid that he's taken that's all. Banish that thought! He doesn't like girls for heaven's sake Alexis.

Needing a better space, I left without telling him.

Troy texted me the moment he realised I left without telling him. I told him I didn't want to interrupt anything so I went off. He replied saying, okay, see ya at campus then, XOXO. I didnt reply.

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Next day, I was walking towards my class when I saw two familiar figure walking. Troy and Cassian. I smiled. When Troy saw me, he came over in one stride of his long legs. "Alexis! You have explanation to give young lady! You left the party early! What was that?" Troy exclaimed. Usual Troy and whenever there's a party at his place. I stay over till the next day.

"I wasn't feeling well Troyyyyy. Hey Cassian!" I waved.

"Hey," He smiled. Looking at Cassian and Troy together. Being comfortable, hits something in my chest and stomach again. Am I going to puke? No that's not the puking sensation. Damn it Alexis!

No. Walk away. I did. I turned and without glancing I told them, "I need to use the toilet. See you guys around,"

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'Lex? Something wrong?' - Troy.

'Lex, we are at Subs, come join for lunch,' - Troy.

Missed call.

'Lexis! Answer your damn phone. Where are you? Left?' - Troy.

Missed calls. 3.

'Alexis! At least tell me if you are back home. WTH is wrong with you?!' - Troy.

'Alexis, you sick? Are you in campus? I'll come see you tomorrow.' - Troy.

'F*ck, Lex. Stop making me worry about you. Cassian is worried too you know,' - Troy

His anger is not being contained from each message. I am avoiding him after all. Its been 4 days. I didnt attend any classes nor did I move out of my room.

I need to think about this stupid feeling twice.

Then I heard a bang and a shout outside my door. Must be him. Who else bangs instead of ringing the bell? Troy.

"I know you are in there Lex, open the door," He was calm. Can I not open the door? Should I? What will I do?

Again, "Lexis, open the damn door before I break it!" He is angry. Does he think its his fault?

I opened and my control gave away the second I saw his face. Looking flabbergasted, Troy was red and furious written all over his face.

I stared at him quiet and not sure what to do.

"What the heck Lex," He started to come in but I stopped him. He stared now. "Lex, what's wrong? This is not you. Anything you are not telling me?" He asked, eyes roaming over my face for answers.

"Troy, I'm leaving Ireland in a month time. After our grad," I told him. Looking at him.

He look confused.

"Go back Troy. I'll be fine soon.  I need some time alone,"

"You are upset for this? You are avoiding me for this? Because you are going to leave? It does not make any sense Lex," He totally can see through me.

Like that's easy.

"I'll see you tomorrow Troy. I promise," He nod and left.

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I didnt go to campus the next day. I broke my promise and I was getting drunk in some random pub away from my room.

Missed calls again.

Walking back to my room, it was pass 12.00 am and the street was still brightly lit with people walking.

Taking my turn down to my street, I saw Troy standing, slanting on his car, waiting. I'm still in my sense though I'm sober.

I walked passed him. Hoping he didnt realise it was me. But I was held down by an arm. Turning me around. I saw Troy's frowning face.

"Alexis,"

"Troy," I replied.

"Confess to me what is going on now," He sound so serious that I wanted to kiss that lips of his.

I pushed him away, staggering a little from the sudden push. I pace a few feet behind but he stood at his spot.

Still looking at him. I know he know's I'm avoiding him. He knows it got something to do with him and only him.

"I'm in trouble Troy. So much trouble," I said. Slowly picking my words. His facial expression changed to worry. "I can't do this. I should not do this. That's what makes sense. But I am not making any sense. I am horrified Troy. Horrified,"

"Alexis-" I stopped him from talking by putting my hand out.

"I have feelings for you," I said it. There. Standing there like a stupid pathetic fool staring at him. I just ruined our friendship. I ruined it. But he was still standing there processing it. How naive.

"Alexis, what? I-"

"You did not do anything. Its me. Its my stupid feeling. I'm sorry.Troy, I need this distance. Leave me alone for a while while I fix myself,"

"Can I really get my friend back?" Something about his question broke me. Deep. I could almost hear the crack in my heart. Can he?

I gave me a smile. "I'll try,"

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Well life sucks. Why now, Alexis? Why when you are going to graduate and move on to a different place and go on with life does your stupid heart has to play with you?

I went back for classes. Didn't want to bunk it anymore. I missed few deadlines for assignments submissions as well. Sigh.

Its been two weeks. I didn't see Troy or Cassian. No text messages. I can feel the stupid hole in my stupid heart. How could I fall for him? Why? I have been liking him since our first day but it was not like this. Troy was my best friend. Grateful I am to have him by my side when I first came to this country.

I groaned on my bed. I need to do something. I need to get out.

Pub it is. Getting drunk. Like that can ever erase him away.

But I still went. "Give me one of the top whisky," I ordered. Yes, I'm going to puke out everything in this body.

The beat was nice and I began bobbing my head. Its getting to me. The music. I took my whiskey shot and walked to the crowd and started dancing. For that moment I did forget about him. Nothing was important that dancing to the beat and screaming. It was loud enough that no one can here you scream. I made it through around an hour when I spotted Troy there with Cassian both staring at me.

Abruptly stopping. I turn to get another shot in case I was daydreaming.

"One of the same the young lady is drinking," He ordered. So he did came over. Cassian was standing next to him looking slightly worried. So he does know then. Still ignoring, I was swirling my drink. Thinking but not thinking.

"Alexis," He was cautious. I turned to him, looking at them both. Both their fingers intertwined. How absurdly can I be daydreaming.

"You won't get her back. Not for now," I said tentatively. It was getting packed and I needed air. More like I need air away from Troy, real or not.

After about 30 minutes, walking randomly around the street. I decided to give in and go back to my room.

And there he was again. My drunk state must have been imagining him again. I walked slowly. Hearing me approach. I didnt stop at him I walked pass to my building, walking up the stairs, he was following me quietly. Up till my room door. I put the key in and he was still there, not talking. I turned. Nope he's real.

I stifled my movement not to touch him.

"Lex," His voice was soft and sad. I want to kiss away that latter part of him. His blue eyes was piercingly bright under the dim hallway light. I can keep staring at that eyes for hours for sure.

"You will never get her back," I repeated like a broken record. I am.

"Lex, try. Please. I need you Lex. It feels so weird not having you around. Even with Cassian. You are my friend Lex. Try something. I-,I know I'm being selfish. I know this must be killing you. I know how it feels,"

It feels like my throat have been clogged by a stone. I cant swallow and I cant talk. For a good 2 minute we were looking at each other. My hand moved before my brain even processed that it was moving. It touched his left cheek that has his birthmark. Troy stiffen under my touch. He was radiating too much heat in my touch but he did not move away. I didnt look into his eyes. I was looking at my hands touching his cheeks. I smiled.

As if I came out of trance, I immediately removed my hand and turn to unlock my door and stumbling with my keys. Drunk. I'm drunk. It would have taken one swift move to kiss him.

"Do it," He said.

What is he talking about was what I was thinking when realization hits me. He is asking me to kiss him. Blood drained from my face. This is wrong, my brain says.

"Do it Alexis. Kiss me,"

Later tonight I will regret every single inch of myself for doing this but damn the consequences.

I turned and kissed him. I know its mostly my drunk self that was overtaking me but I do know what I'm doing and I'm blaming my drunk state for now.

Troy was frozen in place for few second but he started to give in. I didnt want to think of anything. So I kissed him. Eyes closed, hands at the back of neck. Tears sprang out of my eyes. Our breath mingling when we stopped. Still holding each other. Head and nose touching. I didn't dare to open my eyes. Regret taking over me right this moment.

I let him go and with swift movements, I unlocked my door and shut it hard. Leaving him behind the door without a word.

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Coffee