Chapter 60:

"Wow! Wow! Oh, wow!!! This was one super awesome concert I've ever seen in my life!" Ariel was still jumping excitedly even after the concert ended.

"I bet this was your first concert you've ever seen," I followed her behind with the crowd pushing us apart to go out too.

"Yes! yes! Well I've been to Musicals but like Kpop concert is my first and it was Daebak!"

"Ok, Ok,! I'm hungry! You better treat me since you pulled me all the way here," I had to sleep early since I had to do something at the studio tomorrow with Daniel.

---------------------------------------------------------------
Minho's POV

"Yeah! Guys, did you have fun?" Jonghyun hyung was asking us when we were at the backstage room.

"Of course!!" Key clapped his hands.

"Guys,guys, listen take some good rest today after this and get ready tomorrow. You all have photo shoot tomorrow at Paris Studio," Manager hyung gave us our room key.

"Ya, Mihno-ah, what's wrong with you today? You seems to be out of this place," Manager hyung caught me.

"Mianhe,"

We were drove to our hotel and Onew and I were in a room and the other three another room.

"Did you saw her?" Onew talked out of the sudden.

"Uh?" He knows?

"I know you saw her. You were never like this before and all the sudden you changed/ You saw her right?"

"How did you..."

"I know everything about my brother,"

"I did.Well she looked like her. So I wasn't sure,"

"I saw her too,"

I couldn't speak. I gave a long look at Onew and went to the bathroom.

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Your POV

"Hey Daniel, where are you?" I was in front of the studio and there were a lot of bodyguards?!

"Oh, Chaerin dear you are here! Wait I'll come out.There's a strict checking today. Someone special is here,"

"Oh, really. I'm curious.They are not letting me in!"

"I'm here," I saw Daniel waving at me.

He brought me in without any checking.

"Can I see who are the special guest today?!"

"No,"

"What?!"

"We have stuff to do,"

"Aish! I just want to take a peak only!"

"later then. Finish this first,"

He gave me some editing stuff to do on a wedding dress for a bride's photo shoot.

"Urhg!"

I just have to mend a little here and there. He you go and beautiful dress to present.

"Daniel? Daniel?!" No one's responding.

Maybe I should take a walk to the guest studio...

I hang the dress and went creeping out slowly.

"Hey, are you done?" AHH!

"Daniel! Stop freaking me out!" He came from behind.

"Sorry," He gave a grin.

"Can I go now?" I gave a puppy look.

"Ok ok, follow me. I wanted to see who is it too,"

I was super excited. who could it be? Taylor Swift? Err...Fergie? Pink? Or some France actor or actress?!

"Here we go," Daniel open the studio door.

"Who could it be?!"

There were a lot of camera crews, lighting's and stuff like how they modelled me.

"Isn't that the Korean group that had a concert yesterday?"

I took a closer look and I saw them.

Jumping up and down giving photo shots to the camera.

My heart flutters all the sudden.

"Come on let's have a closer look,"

"Me?! Oh no, I'm not coming," I was walking back.

"Ya! You should know them right.You were in Korea last time.This is your chance to get a closer look,"

"I...I....I got...er...I have work to do now. See you next time," I took one last look at Minho who eventually exchange eye contact with me and I went out of the door.

Deep breath in and out.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Minho's POV

"Hey hyung! Isn't that Chaerin?!" We were in Paris mall for a small shopping for our own self.

Fans do recognise us so we have to keep low.

"Chaerin in a big poster?!" Key saw the picture too.

I couldn't recognise her for the first look but she do have her features.

He eyes, her sharp nose...

I took a long stare at her until someone waved at my face.

"Hyung!"

"Come on let's go,"

"Hyung...can I see her? I mean I feel like talking to her. I don't know why but I feel down all the sudden,"

"Minho-ah, you crazy? You can't just go after her like that. Look, fans will be stalking you or her if you get caught. I know how you feel but if manager hyung found out, you are doomed,"

I kept quiet. What he said was true.

@@@@@@@

We were having photo shoot now.

"Hyung jump jump," Taemin was ordering me.

"Peace!" we made a peace sign.

"Cut!" We went and take a look at out picture.

"Nice!"

"Another one," Onew and the others were in a row and we jump.

Is that Chaerin?!

Chaerin with a guy?

What is she doing here?!

Is that really her?!

She was struggling with the guy and she back away to the door.

She took one last look at me and she was out.

I clear my thought away immediately.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your POV

Time do fly fast.

It's already past 10.00pm and I'm still walking at the dark streets taking some fresh air.

These days something is happening to me.

Something I can't imagine will happen.

I met Minho and the others after 4 years.

My first and forever love.

Tears rolled down unknowingly.

And I started crying.

"It's been a long time," I heard a voice.

"Min..Minho-shi," I saw him standing in front.

Chapter 59:

I woke up lazily today when the phone ring woke me up.

I had no choice but to follow Ariel to the concert.

She called this morning after she knows that SHINee are coming to Paris for a concert.

*Flashback

*Phone rings*

"Emm....he-hello," Who is calling at this time and day!

"Chaerin-ah!" Ariel?!

"Ariel?! Anything wrong?"

"Nope. Nothings wrong but SHINee IS COMING TO PARIS!!! OH MY GOD, DO YOU KNOW THAT?!" She merely screamed at my ears.

"Hm-emm...ya...I know," I was still moving around my bed.

"How come you never told me?!"

"You didn't ask me,"

"Aish! Ok, Ok, I bought two tickets already through online! I asked Ginny out first but she had some stuff with her family. So come over to my house at 5.00pm ok. I'm driving.Let's go,"

That woke me up fully from my sleepiness.

What did she just say?!

Me, go with her?!

"Bwoh?! I mean what?! Ariel...i need time for some..err..." Well I really got nothing to do actually.It's Saturday and everyone in Paris is at home.

"I know you got nothing to do.It's Saturday," she was convincing me.

"Ariel, I'm really tired you know,"

"No, no, no! You are coming! This is like once in a life time opportunity!"

I scratched my head. I know something like this will happen!

My heart is fluttering so much.

I hate this.

*End Of Flashback.

So I agreed on going with her. I am not going to make any eye contact with them. I hope they don't recognise me.

Like seriously. After what I did....very bad...

Oh, but thinking of him makes me miss him so much.

Minho.

And Onew. Cute leader.

I went over to my wardrobe and took out my old purse.

I opened it.

And there it was a small picture of me and Minho. Smiling at the camera.

I never wanted to throw it away this tiny picture and I never looked at it once after I came here.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Oh! I'm super excited to see them that I'm scared that I will lose my hold on the steering!"

"What?! Ariel, you better let me drive then. I don't want to die early," I was really scared by her usual driving already. She drive like a mad person without holding the steering or with one handed.

Gosh....

"Nah...i can still handle it," she deny it.

Sigh.

When we reach the mall.

It was overcrowded with fans with banners, posters, towels around them, video cameras. Wow.

Ariel found a parking space and we got out.

I guess we have to line up this longggggg queue to go in.

Ariel pull me towards the queue but she didn't line up.

Uh?!

"Er....Ariel.Are you blind?! Can't you see the queue standing?"

"Hahaha! I didn't tell you that I bought special tickets right?" she was pulling me while talking.

"What??!!! Special tickets?! Oh, no...so we get special seats?!"

"Duh..of course! Come on!"

Oh-no,oh-no,no,no!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After some security checks we are allowed to go in and sit.

The boys are not here yet.

Some one came on stage.

She was speaking in France language to which I quite understood since I took up the lesson for 3 years.

I think she is the temporary MC until SHINee come in.

She was telling the obvious. Ask us to calm down, take your seat and cheer for the boys.

All the fans screamed!!!!!!!!

Ariel too!

Well, I clapped my hands and smiled.

And they appeared form underneath the stage. The stage is in a star-shape, so all of them appeared from each corner.

Ariel and I are at one of the corners.

And guess what...It was Minho.

I quickly cover myself with my scarf and beanie.

I keep on clapping my hand and I was happy to see him.

He look......

Exactly like his name the Charismatic Rapper.

"Oh my God! Chaerin, chaerin! I'm so happy!!!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Minho's POV

I can hear the fans screaming and cheering us.

As usual it gives us strength to perform well.

Paris is such a nice place, nice people and great fans.

"Hey, everyone ready?!" Onew came over with a mic in his hand.

"Yes!" We all cheered and took our position.

The stage moves up and all I see was crowds.

I was at the edge of the stage.

And I saw Chaerin?!

Wait, Chaerin? Is that her? That girl, she looks like Chaerin.

All my brain cells started to rush over.

The other members started to sing and I forgot my line for a second.

She was clapping and smiling.

Could it be her?

Key came closer and whispered," Ya! sing please," then he smiled and danced away.

I started singing after that.

I swear I saw her.

It should be her.

When Manager hyung said we are going to have a concert in Paris, the first person that came to my mind was her, Chaerin.

All this years. I been keeping to her words. "Goodbye.We'll meet again when there is destiny, Minho," She looked into my eyes.

Chapter 58: Meet Again.

Your Pov

What a fun day today.I had to come up with a new design for a bride! Wow my dream!

It's getting late I better get going I have to cook for dinner.Should I? Or should I just buy something? Emm...

I will just buy! Lazy me..

I was walking pass a big screen roller where they advertise new events or news.

Something caught my attention in the middle of my walk.

I stood there frozen staring at the screen.

SHINee World Concert in Paris.

All five of them.

They look so different from the last time I saw them.

Taemin,Jonghyun,Key.

Onew..

And..

Minho.

All the memories that was deep behind my mind is pushing it's gate to come out.Flooding itself like a high tide wave.

The face,the eyes,the touch, the feel...

SHINee's First Ever Concert in Paris.

Sure you don't want to miss!

Hurry up get your tickets at Paris mall!

Day: Saturday

Time"6.00pm

I shook my head hard enough to clear my thoughts which made me feel dizzy.

I getting dark I gotta go.

*Flashback.

"Goodbye.We'll meet again when there is destiny,Minho," I look into his eyes

"Saranghaeyo," he whispered.

*End

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I went back to my room and shut my door.

What...wha..why..?

Does he still remember me after what I've done to him?

Tch. what am I thinking?

He is a famous artist! Of course he will be too busy with his schedule and career.

How can he remember a stupid girl who dump him 4 years ago!

Chaerin-ah, what's wrong with you?!!

Why am I suddenly getting all emeotional?

I thought I was over him?

Stop having ecpectations Chaerin!

Ariel will sure go for the concert,she is a big fan of them.

I never told anyone that I knew them.

When they asked about my past life, I just say I came from Australia went to Korea and stayed with my dad for nearly a year and half

Ariel and I used to talk about them when she gets excited but that time I was just normal..no feeling..why now?

Am I scared?

Or I just don't want to see him?

Or...

Do I want to see him?

Chapter 57: After 4 Years.

"Hahaha!" We were all laughing at Ariel's joke.

She is one funny, witty girl!

"Wait, don't tell me you had a crush on him~"

"No! Seriously me? Oh!" I denied.

They were teasing me with one of my batch colleague who chases me everyday.

I never know people in Paris like K-pop too. They are like in a different world when they talk about it.We started with songs to dramas and now gosip-ing!

"Hahaha! Ariel stop it, calm down. You are making me laugh non-stop," It was Ginny.

"Ya, right! The club's clown!" Garret said laughing at the same time.

"I thought that was me?" I said.

"Both of you then!" Ginny agreed.

We are in Ginny's birthday gathering among our little group of friends.

Well, it's only five of us.

Me, Ariel,Ginny, Garret, and Hae Young a Korean friend I met in college too besides me.

We all studied Fashion Design together and now I am a so called Newbie Fashion Designer with the others.We work in a team.

*(Phone rings)

"Excuse me for a while guys," I stood up went a little further from them.

"Hello?"

"Chaerin!"

"Yes, Daniel?"

"Yup.Err..Sorry Chaerin I know you asked for a leave but I really need you here.The assistant Manager for L'Oreal is here and he wants a model for their new product their going to launch soon,"

I sigh...

"Ok. what time?"

"Around 6.00pm," I can see he really needs me.

"Ok....ok....I will be there,"

"Oh, thank goodness!" He was happy for it.

"Hahaha..ok, Daniel see you later then,"

"Bye,"

*End of phone call.


"Who was that?" Ariel asked.

"Daniel,"

"Oh, no...not again?!" It was Ginny.

"Yes, again. It's L'Oreal,"

"Oh! L'Oreal!" All of them talk at once.

"Ooohhh..you are gonna look awesome in the next L'Oreal poster!" Ginny reminds me of Min my long ago friend when I leaved in Korea, always bubbly and a blurry queen too!

Ariel, well why do I always think she has a little same personality as me?!

Garret, his hot and he can be funny too! His Ginny's boyfriend.

Hae Young seems to have a crush on Ariel but he never revealed it. Pathetic guy...hahaha!

"Ok, guys..It's already 5.30pm. I have to go now, sorry," I stood up and went towards the door.

"She is going to be in another poster in Paris mall again!" Hae Young said.

I stuck out my tongue.


So...life in Paris is better than I thought.

Warm weather, nice scenary, great friends. What else do I want?

I came here four years ago and it seems like decades for me.Everything is so familiar here.

I had achieve what I always want. Fashion Design. And also got a part time job as a Model.

My dad visits me sometimes and Mum always calls up. She never miss a single day!

I live in a small rented apartment.Good for two I guess.

Chapter 56:

Is he already here?

I was walking up the mountain stairs.

It's still quite dark.

The sun haven't rise yet.

The sky still looks pale blue.

I'm meeting Minho for the last time.

Then, that's it.

It took me all my courage to make a decision to meet up with him.

At least I have to say I'm leaving.

I told Onew oppa to bring him to Mount Wonju where we met last time.

Who would be awake so early in the morning uh?

I had no choice.

My flight is at 7.00am and i have to be there by 6.00 at least.

While I was climbing, I received a text message.

Onew: He's up already.

Me:Thank you

Onew: Meet me down after talking to him.

There was not even a single person on the way.

I 'm all alone.

Then I saw someone.

It must be him then.

He was wearing a scarf around his neck with a thick jacket.

It's really cold actually in the morning.

He saw me coming.

It's really awkward to talk to him like usual after this situation.

I just bowed to him.

He just stared at me.

Oh, those eyes! Could you please don't do that! I was talking to myself.

"I.....I'm leaving," was all I could say.

He didn't talk back.

All the sudden, I fell pain everywhere in my body.

My heart, my head, my mouth.

It's because of the tears I'm trying to control.

"Miahne," I said.

"Why?"

I have to be cold heart.

I have to be cold.

I didn't talk back.

Let him do anything he wants.

He can scold me, hate me as much as he want now.

"Waeyo?Why! Why!" He asked back.

I smiled.

This is insane. Seriously!

"Thank you," thank you? something in me made me say it.

He frown at me.

"Be who you are, show others your talent and shine as your group. Ok," What am I talking!

He was just looking at me.

I'm not going to answer his question. It's too much.

That stare.

What is he thinking? I can't read his mind but I can tell from his expression he is not in good condition.

Both of us.

It's for his good.

"You decided to leave for my good?" His voice made me go red.

I just nod my head.

"Mianhe," I couldn't take it anymore. I promise myself not to cry but I was crying already.

"Aniyo, please. I thought we can make through anything? We promised, remember?"

"I know but, I also told you when time goes on, it might change.That promise is unavailable now," I was looking in his eyes.

Those yes that I will never forget even where I go. The eyes that changed my life into this.

"No,"There was tears in his.

"Yes," I said merely a whisper.

"So, that's it? You are just going to leave?"

I took a deep breath and went closer to him.

I 've done this so many times to him.

But now, it's seems like the first and last time.

A little more closer to him.

He stood there still.

I removed his scarf from his face.

I cupped his cheek by my hand.

I can feel the heat in his body.

Our lips touched.

I kissed him.

This time with passion, full of sincerity and love that I will never forget.

He was expecting it. He kissed back too.

His hands snaked around my waist and pulled me closer.

I kiss him deeply. Our love is shared through this one kiss.

I pulled back.

I had to stop. He didn't want to let me go but I have to.

I know if I continue, I will never stop.

I dried my tears.

"Goodbye.We'll meet again when there is destiny, Minho,"

"Sarangeyo," He whispered.

"I love you too,"

Now all I need is the courage to walk away.

I looked into his eyes for one last time and turned away.

But something was preventing me.

I know it's my heart and

A string from my clothe is rolled up with his jackets button.

He untie the know and hold my wrist.

I'm sorry.

I pulled my hand away and walk away leaving him behind me.

It's all my fault.

I shouldn't have sat next to you,You shouldn't have helped me,

I shouldn't have looked into your eyes,

I shouldn't have joined the show,

I shouldn't have fallen for you,

I should have...I should have...

Tears rolled down non stop.

Down the Mountain, Onew oppa was waiting for me.

Oh, Onew.

I 'm going to miss you too.

I ran towards him and his hands were open receiving my hug.

I merely sob on him.

But all he did was caress my hair until I stop.

"Sorry,"

"Gwenchana," He told me still looking worried.

His shirt was nearly soaked with my tears.He ignored it.

"You really sure about this?"

I simply nod.

Bye.

Bye bye....

Chapter 55:

Your POV

Minho again.

Ugh!

My phone rings again.

*Calling: Minho.

Onew oppa must have told him.

Should I pick or not?

I get atleast 10 missed calls from him everyday.

I press he 'ignore' button again.

I don't even dare to talk to him in this situation.

I've been so busy this week with my final exam and with the documents I have to settl brfore leaving to Paris.

College application forms, entrance exam,approval letter from my former school.

It's hard not to think about the memories I will be leaving behind.

It's hard not to think about him.

I miss him so much.

Minho.

Only tears came out of me.

Cry.

Cry.

Cry.

Cry all you can, Chaerin.

Cry until there's no tears left to cry anymore.

So that when yo face him, you will have a cold heart.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Graduation Day.

So many people?! Wow.

All of them are graduating in the same year?

I thought it was only our batch.

I'm siting in the first row as arranged by the teachers with some of my classmates.

Min is sitting in the second row right behind me.

She's ben grinning for the whole day.

"Omo, Chaerin, finally we are draduating!" she whispered in my ear.

The school prncipal is still giving his speech.

I'm so proud of you, I hope you will achieve success in future...blah,blah,blah...(not listening at all)

All the students' parents are seated behind the students seating.

Dad came with Ilhan.

Mum couldn't make it to come over becasue of her work.

"Now, let's announce the best scored student," the Master of Ceremony was talking.

Everyone kept quiet.

"Best results of the year...wow..we have two person here.Ok, first, it's none other than Choi Minho!" There was a loud applaud for him.

I was shocked not because he was the best scored but he came!

I clapped with my eyes wide with shocked.

"Chaerin, it's Minho!" Min was clapping too.

So all of them are here?

Shouldn't be right?

Oh, I hope he don't see me.

Oh, no.

I don't dare to face him so looked down.

He took the certificate and gave a small talk.

"Ok, now the second best goes too..." I dont even know who she is.It's a girl.

She looks more nerdy than me.

Everyone clapped for her too.

I had to look up.

Then my eyes met Minho's for a second and looked away.

He was staring at me.

Oh, those eyes.

Please stop looking at me!

One by one all the other students name was called to get their certificate.

I was not in the top scored student.

I'm just an average scored student.

I went up on stage and took my certificate.

I saw my dad from far away looking at me.

Min was clapping for me too.

I bowed to the principal and took a picture.

Then the MC wanted all the students to take a group picture.

I saw Minho walking up the stage.

Oh, no, no,no.

I should stand somewhere far.

Somewhere at the edge.

"Ya, Chaerin, where are you going?"Min grabbed my hand.

"Ya,ya,let me go.I'm not going to stand in front,"

"Oh, come on!"

She pulled me to the middle.

Minho was just two to tree people away.

I'm not looking at him.

I'm not looking at him.

"Chaerin, you sure you are not going to talk to him?" Min know what happened. I told her the next day after I talked to Onew.

I just nod my head.

After the photo session ended, all the students scattered around talking to each other and congratulating.

I went down the stage to see my father.

Then I heard a voice calling me.

"Chaerin,"

I know who it belongs to.

So I ignored it and walk.

"Chaerin, wait!" he held my hand this time.

I look at him one last time and pulled my hand and ran away into the crowd towards my dad.

He never came after me.

Oh, stupid me!

Stupid me!

Stupid, stupid!

Pabo!

I was scolding myself.

"Appa!" I saw him. I gave him the certificate. Then he looked behind me.

Did he saw him?!

"Noona, chukhahamnida!"

"gomavo, Ilhan,"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Flight

*KRINGGGGG!!!

Oh, alarm!

It's 4.00am already?!

Uh!

I woke up from my bed.

And all I could see is bags in front of me.

My clothes.

Yes.

Today is the day I'm leaving to

Paris.

Chapter 54:

Minho's POV

where is Onew hyung?

He has never been late like this before for dinner.

He has been actingso weirdly this days.

Am I not realising anything.

Then I heard my room door open.

Onew hyung came in.

He was totally soaked in the rain.

"Hyung, you got wet in the rain?!"

He didn't answer me. He just came in quietly and dump his jacket into the basket, took his towel and went out.

What? Is he mad at me?

"Hyung, Lee Joon hyung called me just now," that woke him up.He stopped where he was heading.

I know he never went out with Lee Joon hyung.

He lied.

But why?

"He said you weren't with him," Lee Joon hyung called me to ask about my status.That's how I get to know that Onew hyung is not with him.

"Where did you go?"

He continue walking to the bathroom.

Was it too personal? But he never hide anything from us.

Why now?

I went back to my room and sat on my bed.

Key,Jonghyun and Taemin slept early.

I tried calling Chaerin but she didn't pick her phone.

She must be busy.

I miss he so much.

It's been more than a week since I last saw her or talk to her.

Those eyes, smile, he innocency.

I was smiling.

I took a paperband my mind flowed with so many words..

All my eyes can see is your figure,

This is the confession you've been waiting for,

Show me your eyes,

I will give you my love,

I like you so much, I'll love you forever..

Onew hyung came in when I wrote the last line.

"Hyung,"

"Minho,Wait.I'll tell you but please could you just give me some time," his voice sounds soar.

I respect him. So I kept quiet.

He went out of them room.

After several minute, I heard something like a glass broken into pieces.

"Hyung!" I heard Taemin too.

It was from the kitchen.

I ran out quickly.

Onew hyung was staring at the floor.

And Taemin was standing at the kitchen entrance.

"Taemin, what-" I saw it already.

Glass broken into pieces and water spilled.

I looked at Onew hyung who stoodthere frozen.

"Hyung,move," I pushed him aside and took a broom and dustbin to throw it.

Taemin came in to help.

"Hyung, you alright?" Taemin was worried.

Onew hyung just nod his head.

"Sorry,"

"Taemin you go back to sleep. I will take care," I told him. Taemin went back to his room.

No one injured. The floor is clean now.

Onew hyung was still not himself.

I started walking out of the kitchen, that's when Onew hyung called me.

"Minho,"

"Ne, hyung?"

"I...I met Chaerin just now,"

"Chaerin?You met her?Where?" I was confuse.

"She....she..wants you to let go of her,"

Uh?

What?

Did I heard right?

"Hyung, what did you just say?Let go?Let go of Chaerin?" A lot of things ran in my mind. Is he pranking me? Is there a hidden camera?

"Minho I'm sorry. I'm only the messenger. I just tell what she ask me to to.She is going to Paris next week after graduation.She wants you to forget her and move on,"Onew hyung's eyes was red and he was shivering.

This doesn't seem like a prank at all.

I was half frozen from what he just said.

My fist tighten and I was getting angry. I don't want to listen to Onew hyung anymore.

Why is she going t oParis? Why the sudden decision? I thought we settled it already?

What is going on?

Then I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"If you really love her, let her go.She is doing this for your good.She loves you and only you.There is always ups and down.Understanding is most important," He told me looking into my eyes.

"Hyung, stop talking non sense!" I was getting angry for nothing.

"I'm not talking non sense," He said it in a low voice.

"Why can't she just tell me herself? Why?why?"

He didn't answer that but just walked away from me leaving me thinking.

Confused.

I can't think.

I dialled Chaerin.

It rings but nobody picked.

I slam my hand in the kitchen counter out of confussion.

Let her go?

How? I can't just simply do that!

She is doing it for my good?What good does that bring me?

Anger and sadness filled me.

I love her.

I ws controlling myself from bursting.

I tighten my fist.

Calm down. Calm down.

Talk to Chaerin first.

Why let her go? If she is going to Paris to continue her studies, she can still come back after that right?

My brain is totally scattered.

I'm so confused in my mind and heart.